This cops thought process after doing something dangerous.
Adrenaline is a funny thing,
You don’t think, you don’t plan, you don’t consider the consequences, you just go, you react and hopefully you react properly. To say there is a moment of clarity doesn’t describe really it. Every sense you need is suddenly focused, precise and everything is running in slow motion, everything except you. Your reactions are, at least in your mind, incredible, your ideas and thoughts brilliant and you make decisions without even being aware that you did.
Then it is over, complete, your stomach gets queasy and you have an almost overwhelming urge to vomit, urinate or yell at the top of you lungs “I did it, it worked!” But you don’t and soon the feeling begins to pass. That is when reality comes crashing back in, the trembling begins and you are forced to hide your hands or engage in some sort of activity so no one sees the shudders that are racking your body.
You are incredibly cold and then there are the thoughts, the doubts and the nagging little voice in your head that begins to remind you of all of the things that could have gone wrong. You could have been killed, injured or even worse you could have failed.
The voice reminds you that you have responsibilities, a family, a wife who loves you and a son who depends on you. It also reminds you that death was near by, but for some reason, chose not to take you. You think about your wife, heartbroken and alone, a widow. You think about never seeing her face again, listening to her voice or touching her again. You think about her raising your son without you and trying to explain to him and herself, why you risked your life and failed.
You think about your son, never seeing him grow into a man, never hearing him yell “Hi Dad,”as you walk in the door, never seeing the absolute and unconditional love in his clear young eyes again.
You think about what happened, what could of happened, what should have happened and what will happen next and you realize you are not afraid to die, you’re afraid of disappointing your family by dying. You feel guilt for risking your life and more importantly your family’s security and happiness. The guilt is almost overwhelming. The little voice lists all of the possible negative outcomes and the list is incredibly long.
You realize that the “moment of clarity” was actually a “moment of stupidity” and you vow to yourself that you will never again be so stupid, so irresponsible and selfish. Just when you have almost convinced yourself, someone maybe a colleague, a stranger, the bad guy or even your annoying little voice says something that you interpret to mean “good job”.
That is when you realize, it was good work, damn good work and it was exciting, a rush and you know that you will do it again, without hesitation, without thought and with no regard for the consequences.
Yes,adrenaline is a funny thing.