Heat of the moment

This cops thought process after doing something dangerous.

 

Adrenaline is a funny thing,

You don’t think, you don’t plan, you don’t consider the consequences, you just go, you react and hopefully you react properly. To say there is a moment of clarity doesn’t describe really it. Every sense you need is suddenly focused, precise and everything is running in slow motion, everything except you. Your reactions are, at least in your mind, incredible, your ideas and thoughts brilliant and you make decisions without even being aware that you did.

Then it is over, complete, your stomach gets queasy and you have an almost overwhelming urge to vomit, urinate or yell at the top of you lungs “I did it, it worked!” But you don’t and soon the feeling begins to pass. That is when reality comes crashing back in, the trembling begins and you are forced to hide your hands or engage in some sort of activity so no one sees the shudders that are racking your body.

You are incredibly cold and then there are the thoughts, the doubts and the nagging little voice in your head that begins to remind you of all of the things that could have gone wrong. You could have been killed, injured or even worse you could have failed.

The voice reminds you that you have responsibilities, a family, a wife who loves you and a son who depends on you. It also reminds you that death was near by, but for some reason, chose not to take you. You think about your wife, heartbroken and alone, a widow. You think about never seeing her face again, listening to her voice or touching her again. You think about her raising your son without you and trying to explain to him and herself, why you risked your life and failed.

You think about your son, never seeing him grow into a man, never hearing him yell “Hi Dad,”as you walk in the door, never seeing the absolute and unconditional love in his clear young eyes again.

You think about what happened, what could of happened, what should have happened and what will happen next and you realize you are not afraid to die, you’re afraid of disappointing your family by dying. You feel guilt for risking your life and more importantly your family’s security and happiness. The guilt is almost overwhelming. The little voice lists all of the possible negative outcomes and the list is incredibly long.

You realize that the “moment of clarity” was actually a “moment of stupidity” and you vow to yourself that you will never again be so stupid, so irresponsible and selfish. Just when you have almost convinced yourself, someone maybe a colleague, a stranger, the bad guy or even your annoying little voice says something that you interpret to mean “good job”.

That is when you realize, it was good work, damn good work and it was exciting, a rush and you know that you will do it again, without hesitation, without thought and with no regard for the consequences.

Yes,adrenaline is a funny thing.

The Journey Begins

Welcome to my first ever blog. I wrote this a while ago after watching media reports of police involved shootings both in Canada and the US.

The point of this is not to justify or excuse the actions of anyone, whether or not they carry a badge, but to hopefully remind you that the police are people who are doing the best they can.

You and I

You don’t know me but you have already judged me.
You have never met me and most likely never will, but that doesn’t matter.
You have already decided that I am dangerous.
You will avoid me if you can.
You have already decided that I cannot be trusted based on nothing but my appearance.
You get nervous when I am nearby.
You don’t know my life.
You don’t know my story…. and you don’t care.
You insult me.
You threaten me.
You commit violent acts against me.
Sometimes you kill me.
You celebrate my death.
You believe I am a criminal or worse.
You believe I am guilty no matter what.
You express your hatred openly like a badge of honour.
You don’t let facts get in the way of your bias against me.

Do you know me?

I am a person, just like you.
I have a family, just like you.
I want my child to have a better life than mine, just like you.
I have a job, just like you.
I like my job….most of the time, just like you.
I have bills to pay, just like you.
I struggle to make ends meet sometimes, just like you.
I have dreams, just like you.
I make mistakes, just like you.
I get scared, just like you.
I don’t want to die, just like you.
I will fight to protect those that are important to me, just like you.
I want to walk on the street in peace and safety, just like you….but I can’t.
I don’t like it when people stare at me and make ignorant comments, just like you.
I want to be judged for the person I am, not the person you believe I am, just like you.
I am entitled to the same rights as everyone else, just like you.
I know the system is not fair, just like you.

Do you know me?

You want to complain, I respect that.
You want to protest peacefully, I respect that.
You want to be treated fairly, I respect that.
You want to change the system peacefully, I respect that.

Do you know me?

I am a neighbour.
I am a relative.
I am a friend.
I am a stranger.
I am doing the best I can.
I am not perfect, not even close.

Do you know me?

You want to live in safety, so do I.
You want to be judged based on who you are, not how you appear, so do I.
You want to be treated with respect, so do I.
You want to live without fear, so do I.

Do you know me? You will in a minute……

I run toward danger, even though I am scared.
I deal with violence daily, even though I don’t want to.
I am not a monster, not even close.
I will risk my life for you, because you are important to me…and it’s my job.
I do not want to take anyone’s life…….but I also don’t want to die or let someone else die because of my inaction.
I believe the law applies to me like everyone else.
I believe that those who break the law should be held accountable to the law, not the media, public opinion or politics…..but that doesn’t always happen, yet I still do my job.
I am one of the smallest minority groups in most communities.
I am instantly recognizable to all.

Do you know me?

If you haven’t guessed who I am already think about it a little more.

You know the answer …………………

I am the person who carries a badge and a gun. Whether you like me or not I will do my best to protect you.

Sometimes I will make mistakes for which I should be held responsible,

Just like you.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton